Office Chair Skating

This is AWESOME and I think I'll be brushing up on my skills so I can make the tryouts next year, ha!....anyone want to be my Office Chair Skating partner??

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

This is a copy of an email I just got from a friend - it's one of the funniest I've ever gotten ....I'm just pissed I didn't think of these things myself, ugh!

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it 'In'.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write ' For Smuggling Diamonds'.

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because you're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ..
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.


Its Called therapy.

Crazy Squirrel Saga continues!

Ok, I'm really getting close to borrowing my brother's sling-shot & pelting the crap out of this damn squirrel. Evidently he now has eaten all of those peanuts he found or he can't remember where he hid them (any flower pot that he could find around the neighborhood!)so he's lacking nutrution & feels the need to EAT my PLASTIC Martha Stewart table cloth! What the hell drives a squirrel to eat plastic?!......Wait, don't tell me he using it to build a nest for the winter....dammit!

Here are some incriminating photos I have of him in the act:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/theofficegurl/sets/72157602823643096/

Here's a video I found n YouTube that seems to portray a squirrel doing the victory dance that my terrorizing squirrel probably does when I'm not home & he's successfully destroyed my flowers, then secretly hid peanuts in the pots, & ate have my table cover over the period of a week:

Hott Scottsmen Poll Results

Well it looks like the results are in from my "Hott Scottsmen" Poll! With a vote of 3 to 1, GOOD looking men in kilts are HOTT!! I knew you ladies would pull through and make me proud. **Just in case you didn't check out the poll results and might be thinking I'm just making the results up, you can view it at the bottom of my page now**

Only in America

Ok, here are some random thoughts about American society I received in an email today and the weird shit that only happens here...it really gets you thinking!

Only in America....
... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, an d a diet coke.
... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. (This is extremely frustrating to me!!)
... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.(This really makes you wonder about who the DMV actually lets take their driving test)
________

Now, ever wonder why:
...Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
... Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
... Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
... Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
... Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
... You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
... Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Hott Scottsmen Poll

Sean McKeown

( also known as a Hott Scottsman )

Ok, recently we went to the Renaissance Faire and there were plenty of Hott Scottsmen! (Here's to Tom with the hottest kilt - GO TOM!!) I voiced my opinion here in the office that there's just something about a man in a kilt.....taking into consideration that he's good looking(trust me, not EVERY man looks good in a kilt, uggh!). Some just looked at me funny when I got all dreamy-eyed when I was talking about the hott bagpiper from the Tartan Terrors that played at the RFaire (see pictures above!). So I got to thinking....I wanted to take a poll of how many people thought (goodlooking) guys in kilts are HOTT .

So don't let me down girls....you know they're sexy, cast your votes.
(The poll is located on the menu bar on the right side of my blog page) --->

(FYI: you can view other sexy shot of the Tartan Terrors at:

http://www.tartanterrors.com/photos-gallery.html )

That damn chinese lady is standing outside again, but this time she's standing behind MY CAR!! WTF!...I think someone needs to tell her that people don't usually wander around a parking lot talking on their phone...she's also a little too close to my car...I might have to press my panic button on my alarm system just to make her think she set it off, muahaha! ok, I'm putting way too much thought into this.

One question......why is the chinese lady talking on her phone again out in our parking lot?? - it's frickin 11pm dammit, WTF!! ....hmm this could be a great basis for a chinese mob story, but it's too late and I've got more important things to do!

MSN's car theory

Found this article on MSN. It's not like my car COLOR theory, it's more the TYPE of car & what it shows about your personality. I just thought it was interesting:

MSN Article: "On the Road to Love"

Life Lessons

Here are some things that I've learned along the path of life so far.

• AAA will only come unlock your car 4 times in a calendar year
• Microwaving metal will result in a great fireworks show but will most likely result in a broken microwave
• Addition to last lesson: Make sure your coffe cup is NOT metal before you heat up the contents
• Duct Tape melts in high temperatures
• Pouring a lot of laudrey detergent directly on your clothes can result in a weird tie-dye design after washing & drying (the detergent doesn't come out fully)
• Sharpie markers are PERMANENT
• Wear nice underwear at all times - you never know what is going to happen
• Shuffling across the livingroom floor while holding a penny then touching the TV will give you a HUGE shock
• Do not agree to go on one of dad's "walks" at the cabin b/c after 5 hrs of leaving the cabin you will realize you should have brought food & water b/c there's no sight of heading back anytime soon.
• Ladybugs in mass quantities are not nice
• Drinking liquids before taking a run is not smart
• I will always lose when battling my cat
• Drinking Alcohol on an empty stomach is never a good idea
• Never listen to your dad when he points to a giant hill w/ trees and tells you that it would be great to sled down
• Never go fishing ALONE.....trebble hooks in the face are not fun to remove!
• Never try to make a 20 minute trip in 10
• Never hide a smoker's cigarettes or be prepaired to see a side of them you've never seen
• When any electronic device is not 'working' check to see if it's plugged in.
• Don't take Niquil on a weeknight
• Putting baby oil on your mom's windshield wippers for an April Fool's Day joke turns out to be not so funny after all

And lastly.....Never tell a spanish lady to turn her phone off while waiting in line at the post office. This is something I learned first hand yesterday & trust me, I've learned my lesson!

Weekly Random Thoughts

Ok, here's some random thoughts I've had over the past week. I'll leave it to you to wonder how long I actually thought about these things, ha!

Why....
1) ....don't people use their turning signals anymore?
2) ....do Hispanics/Mexicans/Latinos - whatever the hell they're called- always think I speak spanish!?
3) ....did the NY lady in starbucks the other morning actually ask to have a "splash of water" in her coffee? - what the hell is that!?
4) ....do I feel the urge to think I'm smart & reinact a Mythbusters myth-busting stunt!?
5) ....do I still want to kill every squirrel that crosses my path when I'm driving?
6) ....are leather seats awesome in the winter but suck in the summer....especially black!
7) ....do people text me when they could just call me? - if you have enough time to actually punch in all of those letters, you could've just called.
8) ....can Comcast make you take it up the ass & charge outrageous fees for cable & internet?
9) ....does the chinese lady that moved in nextdoor feel the need to talk on her phone outside - what the hell's the matter w/ talking inside?
10)...did my Art History textbook cost $150!? - damn them all to hell!
11)...is a DVR and Sirius radio so friggin awesome!
12)...can't I get new glasses AND contacts in the same calendar year dammit!
13)...do people call you back literally seconds after you've left a voice message & ask what you wanted?! - FIRST listen to your damn messages people THEN call me back!...this thought mostly applies to people I work w/ .

Car Color Theory

Ok, I've been thinking (I know, that usually is dangerous) & I've come up w/ what I call the Car Color Theory. It explains what your personality is depending on the color of your car. What astonished me was that when I told other people about this theory, they agreed that it held true. **please keep in mind that the CCT is only referring to newer cars NOT classic cars.

Black (even cooler is black on black): This is the stealth driver. They have confidence in what they do & sometimes are a little more aggressive, but not waiving their hands around, jumping & screaming "hey look at me". They're sleek & sophisticated. Black tends to be a more manly color but watch out for those women that drive black cars too, they mean business so don't piss one off!

Red: This is Black's over the top counter-part. Reds tend to have confidence that might be taken as cockiness. They also tend to be a more aggressive driver than black (if that's possible!). While Black is stealth in getting noticed b/c they're already confident, Red needs to draw attention to it's self for confidence. They will drive aggressively, scream, yell, flip people off, whatever they have to do to get noticed.

White: This is generally a girly color but men can be found many times in a more manly brand car, many times a SUV (ex: Escalade, Hummer, Lexus & Cadillac). This is clean, classy & sophisticated color - Audrey Hepburn or Jackie O. On the other hand "Ritch Bitch" can also be associated w/ this color- "I'm better than you so don't waste my time" attitude. With the younger girls you will find them in say a VW Cabriolet w/ the top down. Unless you want drama & you want to work to support their high class taste, you should avoid at all costs. Men in white cars might act this way too.

Navy Blue : A NB driver had dreams of becoming a Black driver, but never has enough balls to do so. They're quiet & reserved but there's a Black driver that lives deep down inside. They don't have attitude, but they still get enough repsect to not get pushed around.

Green (includes Hunter Green, a dark Teal & a lighter Silverish Green) : These are generally friendly people. They have such traits as happiness, optimistism & always willing to lend a helping hand. The glass is always 1/2 full w/ them. They can also be "green" as an ambassador for economical issues such as global warming. Although they don't drive aggressively, they still can hold their own.

Silver: People that pick this color of a car are very indecisive in everything they do. They didn't have enough balls to go for the Black or Red, they're definately not anything like a White driver & they're not happy-go-lucky like the green drivers. They took the safe route & picked the in the middle of the road color. One of their reasons for buying it would be b/c dirt doesn't show up very easily on it. Although they are very indecisive, they can have a rebel side. If that light up ahead changes to yellow, they might just go for it! They also can tend to drive faster than normal & find themselves getting a few speeding tickets (note: Black drivers can speed but never get caught)

Silvery Light Blue: These are the people that generally won't stand up for themselves & and have a quiet nature to them. They get pushed around & are taken advantage of in traffic situations. You would most likely never see them flip someone off. They also usually do the speed limit, if not 5 below just to be safe.

Bold Blue (ex: "Dodge" Blue): This is usually a younger generation color - a lot of high school/college kids have this color car. They sometimes can be cocky in their own juvenile way & can really push Black's patience. Bold Blue is Red's early years so there tends to be some open competition & altercations between the two. If you thought Red got tickets for stupid shit, Bold Blue will amaze you.

Biege: Older people generally drive this color. If you ever find yourself buying a biege car, you're plainly displaying your "old" tendencies. If you're in your 20s or 30s & buy a biege car god help you! If your parents give you a biege car when you turn 16, you will definately NOT get the respect you'll seem to demand when driving.

Maroon: This also tends to be an older person color, but w/ more balls. They're young at heart & refuse to do "old people stuff". A car that tends to always appear in this color is an Oldsmobile.

Yellow: This should NOT be a car color choice unless you're driving a VW Bettle (new or old), a cool classic mustang or a damn bus! If you're a Yellow driver you will never get any respect on the road. Some examples of cars that can be found in this rediculous color is Ford Focus', various makes of SUVs, Mitsubishi Lancers & sadly enough I have to say I have seen atleast 2 yellow colored Audi A4s driving around my area. I'm not even sure why Audi ever offered this color as it's a disgrace to the Audi name!

The following are colors that are even worse than Yellow. If you're driving one of the colors listed next, you should be ashamed of yourself! You're also probably driving a crappy out of date 80s or early 90s vehicle. If you're driving a multi colored car you probably live in Reading & have no hope.
Powder Blue; Pink (not even commenting on that!); Snot Green; Brown; Turquoise; Aquamarine or Seafoam green; Purple (what were you thinking!); & finally Magenta (wow, you ARE "special")

Conspiracies & Mysteries in an Office

I've been noticing a few strange things around the office in the past week or so that I've realized have occured at other offices I've worked at. For those of us that work in an office there are many mysteries & conspiracies that happen. Below are some - maybe one day they will be solved.

1) Jammed Staplers or Staplers out of Staples: why is it that there are always a couple of staplers out for community use in the office but yet all of them mysteriously all stay jammed or they never gain any staples.....how is it that people are stapling their papers?

2) Copier only has enough paper in it for the last person's copy job: why do people only put enough paper (maybe a 1/4 of a ream) in the copier when it's out of paper, just so the copier can finisher their job? If you're going to take that much effort into splitting up a ream of paper, come on people!

3) Walk away from the Copier Syndrome: This is another issue that occurs w/ the copier. There seems to be many people that become afflicted w/ this illness. It's when the red "jam" light appears on the copier & that said person suddenly becomes distraught & results to taking their originals out of the copier & just walking away hoping no one will notice what just happened.

4) The Pen Black Hole: although I haven't figured out the quantum mechanics on this one, I have a feeling they end up where those lost faxes & socks from the dryer go.

5) Dirty Dishes Ghost: some offices have a kitchen that people can wash their dishes in.....some even have a drying rack conveniently next to the sink so you don't have to wash AND dry all at once (I know, what a pain that would be!). Although I'm sure there's plenty of signs posted around the sink area explaining that the office staff won't wash your dishes, dishes (especially cups) slowly seem to accumulate in the sink to be washed. I want to blame it on a ghost as our staff would NEVER leave dirty dishes for us even when they were told several times about it. The next step is checking into a surveillance camera pointed at the sink.

6) New Invention: Neverending Papertowel & Toilet Paper Dispenser Replenisher (NEPT&TPDR for short): There's evidently a new machine I wasn't aware of that automatically replenishes the papertowels & toilet paper rolls. I say this b/c it appears that the person to use the last papertowel or toilet paper seems to think some will just reappear & doesn't bother to get anymore themselves. It must be like the refrigerator light - it goes off only when the door is shut so no matter how slowly you close the door & watch w/ one eye in the small crack, you'll never be able to see it go off.

I haven't come across anymore office mysteries than these, but you can gladly send your stories to me so we know this goes on in more offices than we know.

National "Embrace your inner Geek" day

When someone's computer acts up, do they come to you? Do you sigh as you walk over to the copier when a fellow co-worker panics when the red "jam" light appears? Do you find yourself making Napoleon-like comments to people? and the final question- do you have a blog? If the answer is yes to atleast 2 of these, you have geek potential, sorry! But don't worry, today's your day to "Embrace your inner Geek". Take pride when that person comes to you & no one else to fix their computer. Or when people stand in awe when you unjam the copier w/ one swift geek-like move.

....& yes, I'm totally a geek for posting this!

Squirrel Uprising

This pic was sent in from Aimee in K-Town.... evidently there's a squirrel uprising that we weren't aware of until now. They're taking different approaches & techniques (ninjas & jediis so far) so make sure you watch your back when you're outside.

** if you have any pics of some strange squirrel happenings in your area email them to me & I'll update everyone on what to look out for.

Ninja Squirrel!

I was able to catch a quick picture of that crazyass squirrel that's been terrorizing the neighborhood & I think I'm going to have to watch out when I leave to go to work everyday - this squirrel could seriously kick some ass!

The Slowskys (the Comcast cable characters)

This is HILLARIOUS -I know, I have to much time on my hands............. http://www.theslowskys.com/blog/

Meet my new husband

So all of you know I've been on a mission to find the man of my dreams & I think I've found him! Meet my new husband, Robin Thicke. For those of you who are living under a rock, he's only the hottest singer EVER! I have a back up list just incase he wants a divorce: Dominic Purcel & Wentworth Miller from Prison Break, Vin Diesel, & Daniel Craig (the new James Bond). Some of the other girls here in the office claim that they're already married to Robin, but I know Robin wouldn't do that to me! You know you're jealous.

Bring out the artillary!!

Ok, so the squirrel dug in another flower pot of mine & I'm now plotting his death. I'm debating between mothballs & reinacting the scene where the mentally unstable goundskeeper Carl in Caddyshack is putting together fake gophers & planting bombs in them. I now always think that that devious squirrel is like the crazy gopher from the movie. Per some research online, mothballs are most effective when in an inclosed area, like an old person's clothing box. Hmmm....why do old people & mothballs always go together?.....that's something I can look into later.....anyways- I think this is still along the same idea as the rat poison & not environmentally safe b/c I'm not sure what damage it would do to the plants. Wouldn't that be something- trading one evil for another! So I guess my solution will have to be to trick the fat happy squirrel into thinking is squirrel buddy wants to hang out w/ him near my apt steps. Just when he starts wondering why his friend is not into his peanut, CABLAMO! no more squirrel, YESSSSS! Great big gobs of greasy grimmy squirrely guts - muahahaha!

I go on vacation this weekend so we'll see what happens when I get back.....if there's any of my planting pots knocked over & I suspect the squirrel as the culprit......"I'll give you a war you won't believe"

Let's get rid of our junk mail....& help the planet!

Here's a company I thought I'd share w/ you guys: 41pounds.org -They get their name from the average amount of junk mail a person gets in a year. According to some disturbing statistics, companies produce 4 million tons of junk mail a year - the process of making this mail results in 100 million tress destroyed, 28 billion gallons of water wasted, and energy equivalent to 2.8 million cars. In addition, $320 million of local taxes are spent to dispose of junk mail each year instead of providing parks, libraries, health care and other valuable services. Ummmm, note to everyone - this is a helluva lot of $$ & wasted products just to sent crap we all just through away!

What the company does: for a fee of just $41 that covers five years services, they contact 20 to 30 direct mail companies on your behalf to stop the majority of bulk mail that comes to your home every day. You can contact them any time with additional household names to protect or more direct mail companies to block.

What's the benefit?: Ummm, well, #1 - it's obvious that you'd stop getting junk mail, I think that's benefit enough! #2-for each person who signs up for their service, they donate more than 1/3 of the $41 fee to community and environmental organizations. These organizations plant trees, protect watersheds and strengthen our communities. I'm pretty sure that this is a win-win situation here people. Examples of these organizations are: stopglobalwarming.org, Habitat for Humanity, and American Forests.

Starting seeds at my apt for the first time!

Ok, I've decided to try my hand at growing Black-eyed Susan's in my apt. The elements are against me but I'm determined to do this dammit!:

Problem #1 There's the crazyass cat of mine that I'm sure will want to scope out the new seedlings (& possibly bat at them & tear them out!).
Possible Solution: grow the seedlings in the bathroom by the window & close the door. I know this will obviously keep the cat out, but I'm hoping this is the ideal place for the seeds to grow - a muggy, tropical like bathroom.

Problem #2 Once the seedlings are ok to transplant, there's the crazyass fat squirrel outside (are you seeing a pattern here w/ crazyass animals yet) that thinks it's funny to dig in my pots and stash his peanuts & whatnots that he finds.....one day he'll get his - he has to cross a busy road sometime!
Possible Solution: not sure yet - trying to think of something that doesn't involve a BB gun or rat poison (remember - I'm pro nature, but this is soooo tempting!)

Keep checking back on the seed-saga ......maybe we should start making bets as to how much the seeds will grow & if & when they kick the bucket, will it be the cat or the squirrel that claims victory!